Saying Goodbye | My Clean Cutting Board
Throughout my journey with Pulmonary Hypertension and Lupus, I never stopped wanting to have children. I have always wanted to have someone call me mommy. I’ve always wanted to provide love and shelter for someone who couldn’t fend for him/herself. It may sound strange but I’ve always wanted to be invited to the kid parties. I know, such a weird reason to want kids. Just like everything else in my life, if I want it I go out and get it. That’s exactly how I became a mom.
My husband and I didn’t want to wait around for my body to be free of medication to start a family. I’m not the type to wait for any specific thing to be perfectly lined up for me to start doing what I want to do. That sounds crazy to me. I’ve never been that type of person. I’ve always felt that if I kept waiting for something and it didn’t come, I’d live a life of regret. Oh, how I would hate living with regret all the time.
That’s why we chose to foster-to-adopt. Private adoption seemed too expensive and not having children was not an option. So enter our little boy. In May of 2013 we received our first placement of a little blond boy. We weren’t sure of his race because he was clearly white but had a Hispanic last name. We weren’t sure of his gender because he had really long hair and was so pretty. And we weren’t sure what we would be in for because phew we were just not sure what this parenting thing would entail. What we were sure of was that this would be fun. He is our first son. My baby boy. The one who made me a mommy.
Fostering came with many challenges. Besides the normal “what the heck am I doing” days, there were days where we didn’t know if the behaviors, whether good or bad, were because of trauma or his personality. We learned early on that our son had autism. Great, throw one more challenge into the mix. Thanks God! The Big Guy upstairs tossed him our way because he knew we would be the best parents for him at the time. He knew we would make him feel better through the right diet and ultimately make him a better, stronger person. We have loved on this little boy like no stranger should. We became mami and papi. We’ve kissed, hugged, cleaned booboos, disciplined, and changed our lives for him. He is our world. He wakes up in the morning with his arms open for me to grab him so he can hold my cheeks to kiss my lips. He won’t let go until I fully engage and acknowledge what he is doing. He’s telling me in his own way that it doesn’t matter that we are running late or that we have a routine, he thinks this is important right now and he wants me to feel that way too. It is the most amazing feeling. It’s unexplainable. He forgets whatever mistakes we made as parents the day before and starts the day with brand new vision of love for us. I promised to love him forever no matter what the outcome. We have raised him to be compassionate, smart, and able. For that I am proud.
Well after 2 long, hard, and emotional years we received word that our little boy’s biological mom is finally ready to have him back in her home. We are thrilled! The first night we found out we cried like babies. Hello, we aren’t heartless. But all in all we were thrilled. His mom has tried for two whole years to have her son back in her home. She failed time and time again. But she never gave up. It is now time. She is ready. And we couldn’t be happier to be a part of this reunion. We are proud to say we kept him alive (that was a much harder task than you think.) He will do well. We don’t know what the future holds for him. In our eyes he has always been an architect but we will see. I hope we have spoken this into existence for his sake. He is now transitioning into his mom’s home by staying a few nights per week. Those nights are both exciting for us and a little lonely. He was the loud rambunctious one, the one who would rile up the other kids. Having him gone for a few days gives us a break from the exhaustion and also makes us appreciate him more. When he comes back he clings to us for longer periods of time kind of like he’s telling us he missed us but is thanking us for setting him free. He runs back to my husband and I every few minutes to make sure papi and mami are still here. This transition will be hard for all of us. But we will try and make it as easy as possible for him especially. God has prepared us and has given us peace. We were not ready to let him go 6 months ago. But today we are ready. I am thankful that our goodbye is not an instant goodbye though. It will be a long goodbye that will take several months. Because of the autism he is resistant to change. So we will get to celebrate a few more weeks of his awesomeness. And after he’s gone we will continue to love him and will seek out to visit as much as we can. We will be at his soccer games and his Christmas shows. We will invite him to our parties. And because he is our family, his mom is our family too.
“The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised.”